Absurdist Media

In perpituity, throughout the damn universe

People will often disappear into the far reaches of our mind. A basic rule of relationships is an understanding that change will ultimately render a person completely useless. Just as useless is trying to rationalize that change. It could be purposeful—a shift in idealism, a new set of surroundings, etc.—or completely arbitrary—a new schedule, a significant other, less interest in commonalities than before. Finality, not explanation of character, is to blame in most cases. Point of fact, a deficiency in understanding the nature of change can be blamed more often than a violation of Friendship Terms and Agreements.

Violations do occur often, but simple variations from the norm are hardly the standard practice. Before delving into the abscesses on the thin skin of friendship, I should probably refer to the verbal contract within most friendships. I referred to this earlier as the Friendship Terms and Agreements. The idea, as most ideas, does not actually exist—moreover its implication is as ridiculous as analogous persons being considered one’s “best friend(s).” However, as much as FTA does not exist, the standard conception of friendship relies heavily on a set of regulations.

Therefore, I have sculpted a friendship contract—a legally binding written agreement that defines the understanding of the people surrounding you and their obligations. (Note: FTU=Friendship Terms and Use, FTA=Frienship Terms and Agreements)

1) If you are in trouble, at any point, I will be there to help.
a) Trouble, being inasmuch a separate entity from general mischief but not wholly removed, can be defined by marital and/or other spousal related matters, death of family member or fellow friend, imprisonment (contingent upon bail, telephoning others to raise bail, or visiting occasionally), personal injury, monetary issues, or sensing and alleviating general stress and/or problematic assumptions about current/past environments or general doubt as to the grand design of “the journey of life.”
b) The words “be there” are subject to change—a phone call, letter, email, internet friend site comment, or calculated visit are all acceptable to the terms of use within friendship, though the severity of each varies with the seriousness of said “troubles (refer to 1a)”. Point of fact, if you are to send electronic mail via the death of a family member, this is plainly more acceptable than leaving an internet friend site comment. The order of severity is as follows from least to most revered within TFU: friend space comments, email, written letter, telephone call, personal visit.

2) You should respect what is mine, and I you.
a) “What is mine,” being vague, is defined as follows: regards toward spouses/life partners/significant others/other friends, moneys, material possessions, ideas, ideals, and any/all responsibilities regarding personal agreements outside of FTA/TFU.
b) This clause retains a bilateral understanding that respect, being mutual, is self contained—i.e. one friend who makes less than another must respect this boundary, and vice-versa. One who is with significant other must respect that another friend may be without.
i.) Living in the same spaces can redefine this notion, but should not ultimately exclude parties from FTA/TFU.
ii.) Any/all cases of breach involving a person living with two or more friends and/or two persons in romantic engagement should refer to 2b (i), or consult with a representative close to both parties as an arbitrator.
iii.) Arbitrator from 2b (ii) should have no vested interest in case, but should be tied emotionally to both parties or bring a specific clarity to any/all situations considered.
c) Commonalities and space issues are contained therein—personal space and time alone are considered under the realm of 2a, and should be referred to as such for any/all violation of FTA/TFU.
d) Note: ex-spousal agreements and terms are separate from contract agreements and must therein be made known in specific instances when necessary. FTA/TFU are not liable for lost friendships dealing with partial or imagined ownership of humanity or spiritual engagement except within newly found religious fulfillment—covered in 2a “...ideas, ideals.”

3) Defense of physical harm, if necessary, is required.
a) Defense includes both physical contact and use of intelligence to avoid situations where mutually exclusive clauses or insurmountable odds are at stake.

4) You will not point out faults or otherwise mentally debilitate me unless necessary.
a) “…point out faults or otherwise mentally debilitate…” is defined under the following premises: general conversations involving members of the opposite sex, conversations involving three or more parties, involving strangers or those not under contract, or in one-on-one conversation when defined idea of “trouble” (1a/1b) is involved.
b) Mental debilitation is non-exclusive, but can be affixed to the following standards: race, ancestry, place of origin, color, ethnic origin, citizenship, creed, sex, sexual orientation, age, marital status, record of criminal offences, family status, personal tastes and style choices, or handicap.
c) Necessary times are not limited to nor defined by the following, but can definitely be exercised within these circumstances: times of conscious and unnecessary brashness or either conscious or unconscious self-deprecation or debilitation, or any times friendship contract seems in jeopardy of breach.

5) Physical harm between parties is prohibited unless exceptionally necessary.
a) Harm, being vague, is defined as physical injury or damage incurred at the hand of contract signee with intent to inflict said damage to friend.
b) Exceptions include: sporting contact without malice with organized rules, impromptu strength challenges as prompted by and observed by outside parties.
i.) Harm that involves extracurricular activity stemming from 5b should be dealt with in an according manner by using the arbitration guidelines from 2b (ii).
ii.) Any/all physical or physiological harm resulting from alcohol abuse subject to the same as 5b (i).
iii.) Alcohol abuse is not covered in any way within FTA/TFU. All incidents stemming from alcohol abuse cannot be used as an excuse for breach of contract without witness and amount of alcoholic consumption accounted for. If any incident occurs and both witness and amount are accounted for, contract breach defers to 5b (i)/5b (ii).

6) If the contract is breached, the end should not justify the means.
a) Anyone in violation of said contract is subject to breach, but is in perpetuity also subject to the forgiveness clause* and contract reinstatement insofar as the proprietor of the established friendship sees fit. Contract will be reinstated or re-signed with no record of earlier breach intact.
b) Proprietors of contract, should contract be breached, are not required to continue obligatory friendship, nor duties therein, unless parties feel fit. All negotiations are to be held in good standing.

*Forgiveness clause and et cetera: All parties considered within breach of FTA/TFU contract are subject to forgiveness which can include verbal contractual addendums to be recorded into written word at a later time. Forbearance of friendship during times of hardship is permitted for periods of time designated and agreed upon by both parties. Forgiveness clause can be used more than once, but never in concordance with a new contract. Contract does not require acceptance of parties outside of friendship (i.e. new or old relationship partners of any stature), as humanity does not count as ownership clause, only" regarding the idea" that they are deemed respectable by other parties (refer to: 2a, 2b, 2c, 2d).

posted by Jeff Laughlin @ 3:09 PM