Absurdist Media

"Can You Take Me Hire Enough?"

Tedd Wood
23-50 31st Ave. Apt. 2
Astoria, NY 11106

My name is Tedd Wood and I am applying for the full-time position available. I must say my interest was aroused by your online classified ad because of the challenging light in which you portray your office environment. Your advertisement’s careful manner of alluding to the deadline based work, and the high-profile clientele your agency serves, only made me the more adamant about there being a place for me in your offices.

First I would like to drop my guard for a moment and put it out there that I in fact have no experience in this field. However there are many intellectual aspects of my person, not to mention stunning physical attributes, that I feel provide any prospective employer with the impetus to bring me on board.

To begin with I am capable of maintaining a tasteful amount of facial stubble on a consistent basis--nothing over board here, just gloriously sub-five o'clock shadowing (which can be sculpted if that's what you're into) year round. I can automatically provide a Simpson’s quote to fit any given work/socially related conundrum in order to lighten the figurative blow to your ego. I do not perspire. I am not afraid to "roll three buttons deep" when wearing a button-up shirt. When I smoke I look VERY cool. I can beat any rival company bigwigs in a drinking contest. I am well aware of the food pyramid guidelines. I won't steal toilet paper from the bathroom unless my roommates and I really need it. I do not watch movies; I watch films. I am familiar with the works of Patrick O'Brian. I can define the word "topography" and use it liberally. I am kind to dogs and small children are amused by me. My fade-away jump shot is nearly un-defendable. I actually think about veterans on Veteran's Day. I use Q-tips regularly. I found the wizard's key and escaped the dungeon in Dragon Warrior II. I own a Powerpad for the Nintendo Entertainment System. I know what MLA stands for, and scoff at the Chicago Style. I find the "Ariel" font to be "fruity" in appearance. I enjoy spelling the word "color" like this: colour.

I will be calling you in the coming days in order to follow up on the status of application and hope to schedule a meeting with you so we can further discuss my eligibility for the position and I can inspect the water pressure of the Men's restroom sink to insure that it meets my standards. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Tedd Wood

posted by Anonymous @ 1:06 PM